Since the day I heard about Arjun’s accident, I started experiencing these bounding pulses in my heart where eventually my whole body moves. I only discovered last evening that when I stop my tears because I'm in a public place as it's not appropriate to breakdown, that's when my heart pounds and my whole body even my legs sway in a rhythm. When I try to control that movement is when my chest gets heavier and painful. So last evening when I sat down after a walk and I had a flash of a memory of my brother. I held back tears and my body began to sway. But since I was sitting facing a lake and there was a beautiful breeze, I allowed my body to complete that bounding pulse and oscillate, sway and move supporting the pulse instead of stopping it or going against it. My fear was that it may get worse and I may collapse but my training in #somaticwork tells me I need the body to complete that movement it is seeking. That it is just releasing deep sorrow.
I also need my body to feel safe and held. And no better support and co-regulation than Nature itself.
We did get my heart checked and the doctor said I had no signs of physical damage. He however, prescribed a psychotropic (anti- anxiety) to take three times a day.A single dose of that can knock me out for 18 hours. My nervous system can't even handle caffeine on a daily basis and I can't have a single drink of alcohol without my body feeling the effects for days. So a psychotropic drug can cause severe sedation in someone like me. I would have lost days and woken up for all the pain to return at once after 12 days. I know this from experience and from training. (It's my personal choice to avoid sedatives)
I have a personal therapist and lucky to have a co-hort of CI therapists from around the world who I've been training along side in the past year. They have been my quiet strength. We meet weekly for practice, bi-weekly with our facilitator, we check in on personal calls. We have the tools to take care of ourselves while we take cake of each other. I am deeply grateful for that.
Health-wise, I'm back on autopilot and almost regimental in self-care because it's second nature to me.